Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
