i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
a search helicopter?!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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