life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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