So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
