I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
