Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
