I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
