meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
