got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
