girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
