she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
