no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
