He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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