I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
