I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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