I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
