Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wanna passion pit in your ass
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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