My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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