it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
