if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
