my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
