Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
