you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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