I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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