Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
