im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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