She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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