Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
