you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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