you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
