Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
