Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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