I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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