you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
