There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
