Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
