I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
