I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
