At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I want to fling myself into the sun
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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