hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
