we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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