Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
