There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
