Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
