I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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