It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Randomize
