Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
