I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
