I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
