I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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